When Mama Is Not Enough

I was spending the afternoon at a friend’s house a couple of months ago. Her son, who was about 16 months at the time, loves books. I’d sat next to him and his mama while she read to him, but this time, he brought the book to me.

Woman reading a book to a toddler. Photo by Lina Kivaka on Pexels.com

“Uh-oh.” I said, as he put the book in my hands. I wanted to read it to him, but it was in print, and I couldn’t. My friend laughed at my expression.

“It’s okay. Just make it up. He won’t know the difference.”

I did, with the book upside down for a while hahaha until he went and chose another book. I kept making things up, and my friend was right, he didn’t seem to mind. Still, I shuttered to think about the moment, months or years down the road, when my child would bring me a book that I couldn’t read to her. Would I react so calmly in that situation, or would I break down because I couldn’t do it for her.

It makes me sad that I can’t read any old book to her, that I have to have specific books brailled out or in digital formats to be able to share them with her, but that’s not going to change, and in reality, it wouldn’t be any different if I were a sighted parent. Sure, I could read books to her without a problem, but I’d have other failures, distractions, difficulties as an individual that would be challenging in other ways, a detriment to her. I know without a doubt that my blindness has shaped me as a person. Would I be as good of a mom to my baby if I hadn’t been molded so? Considering I believe in a sovereign God who shapes every one of our experiences I don’t think so. He made me the way I am for a purpose, and he chose me, out of billions, to be my daughter’s mama.

When encountering those moments, I think it is important to remember a couple of things.

1 God will use my deficiencies to shape my daughter, just as I have been molded by them and those of my parents. He is a good God, and he will redeem every one of them for his glory and good purpose.

2 It is inevitable that I will fail my daughter, and frequently, but when she feels the weight of my failures, she has a heavenly father to run to who will never fail or forsake her. Every single time I prove inadequate in some way, there is an opportunity for her to turn to the one who lacks nothing, who gives graciously of his own perfect being to each of his children in abundant measure.

And thus, what appears to me utter insufficiency will become for her wholly sufficient, not because she has all in me or in any created thing, but because she has Christ, and in him, she has everything.

How Can Music Therapy Help Those Who Are Blind and Visually Impaired?

It was always interesting to participate in discussions about music therapy for adults with disabilities in my master’s program, because even as I thought about how I could be of assistance to that population, I had to recognize that I could actually be considered a part of that population. What could music therapy do, or have done, for me as a blind person?

Early intervention

For children who are born blind, or lose their sight at an early age, music therapy can be a powerful tool for teaching valuable skills and redirecting negative behaviors before they become ingrained.

Common “blindisms”, such as eye-pressing or rocking, may be reduced. Social skills, such as directing one’s gaze, learning to hear body language, and developing one’s own gestural communication can be improved. It may also aid blind or visually impaired children in developing motor skills, learning to identify and discriminate between sounds, and learning to use auditory cues for orientation and navigation.

Social Engagement

Blindness can often be associated with isolation and social exclusion. In addition to teaching essential social cues, music therapy provides an opportunity for quality social interaction. This is true regardless of age or ability level.

Confidence building

Whether working with a child at 7, or an adult of 50, confidence in one’s skills as a blind person is hugely important, and could be the difference between a fulfilling, independent life, and an empty existence trapped at home. Participation in music therapy has been shown to develop confidence in other populations, and could certainly be applied in this context as well.

Creativity and adaptability

Disability in general always brings challenges, but it’s the way that one responds to those challenges that makes all the difference. An ability to problem solve, find new ways to do old things is an invaluable skill. Musical improvisation and collaboration may be one way to improve in this.

Coping with grief, depression, and anxiety as the result of vision loss

Losing one’s sight is traumatic in and of itself, and depending on the cause of vision loss, can also be associated with other traumas that need to be addressed. Music therapy offers an opportunity for creative self-expression and a healthy option for working through difficult emotions in a safe space.

Looking back, I know I could have benefited greatly from music therapy in the ways I’ve mentioned. Indeed, I think I have benefited in some of those ways even just from participating in music therapy as a student and practitioner.

If you or your child are blind or visually impaired and would like to explore music therapy further, feel free to get in touch by emailing:

Contact.OpportunityUnleashed@gmail.com

Visiting our facebook page, or contacting another music therapist in your area.

Also check out:

Why We Love Music Therapy for Our Blind Son

A Safety-Conscious Canine

A little story I wrote for a blog I contributed to. The blog is no longer running so I decided to republish it here. Enjoy.

Prim has consistently been rather stubborn about going to church. When I asked my trainer about it, she suggested that perhaps Prim simply wasn’t religious. I laughed at that, but it wasn’t a sufficient explanation, especially when I realized that Prim was somewhat unwilling to walk the route from church, as well as to church. Today I figured out why.

Our walk to church includes traversing several sets of steps, the top level of a parking garage, and a long, side-walkless driveway, one that is consistently populated by church-goers’ vehicles leaving and entering our parking lot. Because there is no sidewalk, we are forced to stick as close as we can to the edge of the road. Prim is trained to do this. It’s a technique called “shore-lining”, but she is still not satisfied. She often stops in the parking lot or veers to the grass when she sees an idoling car, as I think she recognizes it as a threat. Well, one day on our way out of church, Prim decided to take matters into her own paws. Despite my direction to walk straight, across the parking lot and along the driveway, Prim insisted upon turning left. Curious, I trusted her and followed.

“Let’s go home.”

I said, hopefully, even though I didn’t actually know whether we could get back to our appartment this way. She led me along a brief strip of parkinglot, then pulled me strongly to the right to step onto a sidewalk. I couldn’t help but laugh. We stuck to the sidewalk, made a right, then walked another good distance, until Prim pulled right again and I recognized the slant of our leasing office parking lot beneath my feet, and a minute later reached out to feel the gate that would take us into our complex.

We had never walked that route before, but somehow Prim knew we could get home that way, and knew it was safer with side walks. She won’t let us walk any other way now. I love my safety conscious canine.

The Symbiosis of the Guide Dog Team

I am often asked questions about the nature of my relationship with my guide dog. A topic we frequently touch on is the interdependence of it. I like to point this out to people, because no one is surprised that I depend on my guide dog. After all, she is my eyes, in a sense… but they usually don’t think about the fact that my dog depends on me, too.

My guide dog does have a lot of responsibility, especially for a dog. Prim protects me. She keeps me from walking into traffic, or stepping off the edge of a platform or stage. She navigates me smoothly around things in our path, and shows me when there is an obstacle like a parked car or construction barrier obstructing our way entirely. Prim provides for me. She helps me find landmarks like doors, steps, trashcans, and chairs, and is a source of ever-present laughter and comfort besides.

But like with any other dog, I have a great deal of responsibility as Prim’s partner and handler. I protect Prim. I make intelligent decisions about when to cross the street, and think about Prim’s physical and emotional safety in any given environment. There are some places I simply do not take my guide dog due to risk of injury or discomfort. Crowded bars and loud concerts are just two examples of places where paws could be too easily trampled and ears too easily overwhelmed. There have also been situations where I had to physically protect my guide dog when she was in danger of being attacked by another canine. I provide for Prim. I feed her, groom her, take her outside, take her to the vet for medical care, and of course have the enormous pleasure of being her primary playmate and cuddle buddy.

It’s a relationship of giving, not 50/50, but 100/100. Of course, we both fail, but the beauty is that not only do we both provide and protect, but we also persevere. There are days I am convinced I have a two-year-old child on a leash, and there are days that Prim is convinced she will starve to death because we get home late and I forgot to throw her dinner in my backpack, but I keep loving her even after she throws tantrums about not being able to eat the cat, and she keeps loving me after I feed her an hour or two later than our schedule dictates. In that way, it is undoubtedly a symbiosis of sorts, but not a symbiosis of chance, rather one of choice. Primie, I’m so glad I get to choose you.

Thankful for Accessible Technology

Sometimes, it’s fun to envision what life would have been like a hundred or more years ago. Imagine a life without digital media, for example, or consider how different transportation was when cars had only just been invented. What interests me, though, is how life must have been different for the blind.

Some blind people did live independently, had children, and held jobs, like the famous hymn writer Fanny Crosby. But what was it like?

On the one hand, I’m a bit jealous. Any society before the invention of cars must have been a great deal more pedestrian friendly, and therefore, blind-friendly, even in the absence of modern infrastructure. On the other hand, I wonder how blind people managed without ways to independently access printed materials around them, or easily produce them on their own.

I’ve written a few songs in my time—it’s hard to avoid when you live in music city—but Fanny Crosby had over 8000 hymns published! Then, she would have had to memorize all of her texts and music, written it down in braille and had it transcribed, dictated it to a sighted person to pen them, or penned them herself. Of course, the only way she could have accessed them again would be through her memory, braille, or a sighted reader. Evidently, her memory was impeccable. According to the website I referenced earlier, she memorized five chapters of the Bible a week.

I definitely do not exercise my memory quite that often or to that extent, so perhaps that’s another advantage that antiquity has over modernity for blind folk. Otherwise, I’m thankful that now a days, accessible technology means that I can easily record music (even as I write it) on my phone, type the lyrics into my computer, review what I have written, and share them with sighted friends, all independently and with very little extra effort on my part.

I am especially thankful for the way assistive tech has made the bible available to the blind in a way it never has been before. I don’t have to carry volumes and volumes of braille bibles around with me to have constant access to the word of God, nor do I have to have it read to me and memorize five chapters a week, though there’s no doubt that would be a profitable exercise. But no. All I have to do is have a charged iPhone with a wifi connection, safari or a bible app, and voila. The whole word of God is at my fingertips…

“Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law.” (Psalm 119:18)

He has made his word known to us, and not only known, but accessible for study, teaching, comfort, evangelism, truth. Accessible technology means I, along with other blind people, get to behold the wondrous things of his law by myself, on my own time, in essentially whatever format I choose, and whichever book or verse I prefer to study. I do not think there is any more valuable gift.

And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them. (Isaiah 42:16)

Guiding Eyes Training (September 2017), Day 12|Yorktown…1781

We visited Yorktown on Friday. No no, not Yorktown like from Hamilton, Yorktown, New York. I know. These things can get confusing. Friday was our day for night travel, so we did the route in the daylight early in the morning, then repeated it after the sun went down that night. In between we had our visits with the vet.

Prim was very excited about the new route, so we worked on, you guessed it, steady. She did the route very well, only overstepping one curb and not at all distracted by the grass and street furniture that we passed. We encountered one loud truck that she stopped for, even though we were on the sidewalk. She was just being a bit cautious, I think leftover from our traffic check activity on Thursday. The night route went similarly, other than the fact that it was dark, but that didn’t change much about my perspective really. Our trainer huffed and puffed behind us like usual, and we had a blast.

At the vet, I learned Prim’s weight, birth date, and health history. The vet gave her a full physical, and pronounced her healthy but for a slight ear infection in one ear. She will be on medication for that for the next several days and we will visit the vet a second time before we leave to make sure it is all cleared up… which reminds me. I need to choose a vet for Prim in Nashville. If anyone has any good recommendations, please let me know. Oleta had a vet in Nashville that we loved and appreciated, but I would be interested in looking into others. Crazy, but I do need to start thinking about getting settled in at home. Only a week left of training now!

Guiding Eyes Training (September 2017_, Day 10|Pretzels!

Wednesday it was rainy and wet the entire day. We were scheduled to go into white plains, but no one wanted to work outdoors while it was pouring, so we stayed inside. The trainers set up a makeshift obstacle course in the hallways, then worked on targeting and revolving doors, followed by a mall route in the afternoon.

There isn’t much to say about the obstacle course as it went flawlessly for Prim and I. In targeting, the class split up into separate groups. Some worked on teaching their dogs to show them the elevator buttons, some worked on landmarking the hall intersection, and others (such as myself) worked on finding chairs. Prim was, of course, brilliant with it as she has been every time we have

with targeting since the very beginning. I am looking so forward to the day that she can take me to an empty chair in a meeting or on a train. Oleta got to that point but it took a little while and a lot of practice. First they have to generalize what a chair means in different situations. Chairs can look different depending on where you are. Some are in a line against a wall, as in a waiting room or lobby area. Some are pushed up against a table, as in a restaurant. Some are wooden, some are soft, some have arms, some do not. Once the dog gets an idea of what I mean by a chair, learning that I want an empty one is another layer of the process.

After finishing with our chair activity some of us learned how to go through a revolving door with our dogs. Guiding Eyes has a revolving door on campus so it was easy to practice. I was a little nervous to do this, as there was one occasion in high school when Oleta and I were forced by a crowd unknowingly into a quickly moving revolving door, and Oleta came very near serious injury. It was very scary, so I tend to avoid revolving doors at all costs, but if I didn’t do the training here Guiding Eyes asks that we refrain from using them in the future, so I opted to complete the training, just in case it proves unavoidable at some point. She did fine and did not get her tail stuck in the door as I had feared. She even helped to push the door along as we went with her nose. Haha, thanks Primlet!

In the mall we worked on escalators, elevators, and suggested turns, but mostly the “steady” command. As we have been discovering, we cannot safely travel at our normal pace indoors. It was definitely a challenge for the both of us. It doesn’t help Prim that I don’t really want to walk slower either, but I know we have to, so I have to be the responsible party and show her what is acceptable pace-wise in that situation. We will get there, but I’m definitely anticipating having to work a lot on this when we get home. Honestly I don’t think I could ask for a better problem to have.

At the end of our route, I slyly persuaded one of my instructors, who had finished with her students, to snag me a pretzel and a strawberry lemonade from the Auntie-Anne’s downstairs before we left. My classmates really appreciated me, I know, because they got some pretzels out of it too. No no, don’t thank me… really, thank our instructor, dear classmates.

Seriously though… she’s awesome. All of our instructors are awesome. They have great senses of humor, are crazy about dogs, love people, are willing to snag pretzels for students at the risk of possibly getting in trouble later, and generally are a joy to work with. Just another reason to love Guiding Eyes.

Guiding Eyes Training (September 2017), Day 9|Chocolate

Tuesday we worked some different routes in White Plains. The first one we worked with our normal instructor to and from Dunkin’ Donuts. Prim made a clearance error around a trashcan, but in all fairness, it was a super tough situation. There was a woman coming at us with a baby carriage walking at a good clip, and at the same time there was a trash can on our left, part of which stuck out above Prim’s level, so although she could get around herself and she thought she had me cleared, I wasn’t quite. The funny part was the trash can was on wheels, so of course it started rolling away when I ran into it and my trainer had to grab it and get it to stay still again. She had to repeat the process several times, as it would not stay still! Oh the strange things that happen out on route!

Prim did really well getting through a non-linear area with a fountain and some trees, and slowing down for the door into Dunkin which wasn’t all the way open. Rather than just trying to run us through the small opening, she stopped to show it to me so that we could squeeze through together. At the counter, I used the “touch” command to position her in front of me and against the counter so that she was out of the way. I got a chocolate donut, then we scampered off back to White Plains to consume the deliciousness. As a side note, my classmates tell me I’m not allowed to have chocolate, because it has caffeine, and sugar… but I don’t think my trainer was aware of that rule so I got away with it! *Insert evil laugh here* Chocolate chocolate chocolate!

🙂

During our route in the afternoon, we worked with a different trainer who was filling in for our class supervisor that day. She is so chatty and funny. She described Prim’s body language as we worked. Her ears were pinned a little bit back, tail in the middle and out, she said she looked very relaxed and confident, and a bit like an arrow. We walk fast enough to be one, she said. Haha.

Prim full on ran me into a pedestrian, so that was awkward. We were coming up from a street crossing and, from what our trainer said, she had seen the pedestrian, thought she was going one way, but turned out she went another and we collided. We made our way to a bus shelter and used the clicker to teach her to target it with the word “bus”. She had it down in no time. I seriously can’t wait to get this dog home and start learning targets around our home environment. She is going to be fabulous.

Prim was right on with curbs this time. She is a quick learner, and we have ended up with our feet in the street far less frequently in recent trips. Our guest trainer said we looked great—much more like we were in the third week of class than in the beginning of the second. That’s very exciting to hear!

Guiding Eyes Training (September 2017), Day 3 Part 2|Our First Afternoon

This is part 2 of my entry about Dog Day, that is, the day I got to meet my new guide dog. You can find the first post here.

We went out for a brief walk on the residential street near campus after lunch. Padawan threw herself into the harness and guided with incredible confidence and ease. This particular street does not have sidewalks, and while my trainer said I did not have to worry about shore lining the left side of the road, Padawan knew exactly what she was doing and did it naturally anyway. On our return to the building, she slowed and stopped to show me a parked car on the side of the road. When I gave the “forward” command, she went smoothly around it and returned to the shoreline on the left. Beautiful work!

Back in our room, she conked out for about 10 minutes so I got some good petting time in, but her energy was quickly replenished and she was soon up whining at the door again. I kept petting, talking, and singing as I had earlier, until we made it to feed, water, and park time and afternoon lecture. Lecture was surprisingly uneventful. There was some barking from another dog, and Padawan did try to belly crawl and fraternize with her neighbors a few times, but she is a pro at the “close” command. “Close” means the dog must swing their rear end around and tuck themselves between your feet under a chair. I have never seen a dog perform that command with such drama and enthusiasm. She is fabulous.

Dinner was another struggle to stay settled, but there was definite progress from lunch. I will say eating ribs on the first day with your new guide dog is a bit challenging, but Padawan enjoyed licking my fingers afterword, even after I had used a napkin to clean up. Looks like she likes barbecue. She’s a Nashville girl for sure…

I hung out with a few of my classmates after dinner in the lobby, but Padawan was very upset by the in and out presence of her trainers and eventually threw herself on the ground in a very loud temper tantrum, so we called it a night early. Poor babe. As time goes on and our bond begins to solidify, things will get better.

We didn’t snuggle that morning, but later that evening, it finally happened! After some more pacing and carrying on, she plopped herself close beside me and nuzzled into my leg. I didn’t move for a long, long time. It was a precious hour for the both of us, I think.

Thursday we will have our first two official routes in White Plains. After a day of working with this dog, I can easily say I adore her. Her spunk and pizazz are irresistible, and her brilliance and motivation are impossible to miss. I am already imagining life in down town Nashville with her at my side. We will take Nashville by storm, no doubt about it. Still, we have a long road of training and bonding ahead. We should get a better idea of what that process might be like tomorrow on our walks in town. Until then…

Guiding Eyes Training (September 2017), Day 2|Juno Walks and Test Driving A Dog!

I woke up this morning bright and early at 5:30 Am without an alarm. I think something about the knowledge that I am getting a new guide dog tomorrow is keeping me from sleeping well. I woke originally at 2:30 Am thinking it was time to get up… only to find that I had to go back to sleep again. What a disappointment.

I began the morning, as I will every morning while I am here, with obedience, although this time with no dog. The trainer used her arm to simulate the motion of the dog as I gave the commands and hand signals. We practiced sit, down, stay, and heel. The process was quite painless, and the only comment of note by the trainer is that I need to slow down a bit in backing up from my dog when performing “stay”, so that my dog isn’t tempted to chase me instead. Slowing down is something I have heard from my trainers a few times over the last couple of days… apparently my need for speed is putting myself and others at slight risk haha. I am trying to listen… I think that counts for something at least.

We had breakfast then left at quarter of eight for our Juno walks and live dog walks at White Plains. That’s right, this time, I got to test drive a real, live, actual, breathing, walking dog!!! Unfortunately, it was not until all of my other classmates had already done so. Yes, I was the last in the lineup. You can imagine the torture! My classmates sarcastically suggested that I might need a little coffee. It was clear that coffee was the absolute last thing I needed. One classmate added that I, “come pre-caffeinated.” It’s true. There is a reason I do not drink caffeine.

So, when my trainer finally came into the room (five hours later!) and announced that she was ready for me, I was raring to go. We headed out the front door of the White Plains facility and to the sidewalk. I took one end of the harness, my trainer took the other, and we began our walk, talking as we went about how it felt to me. After a few blocks, we paused and met up with another trainer who repeated the process with me. I always wonder what random passers by are thinking when they see a blind person being tugged around by another person with a heavy duty leather harness and no dog. We probably look a tad ridiculous, but I embraced it, enthusiastically praising my trainer for a job well done, and correcting her with a “No Juno, leave it.” when she went to sniff something off to the side. My favorite part by far, though, was the live dog walk.

“Here I am.” my trainer said as she approached with the dog. We had stopped at a section of sidewalk near the vans that held all our potential matches.

“Hi you!” I said, reaching out. “You’re so small!”

She was small! A teeny tiny Labrador. Oleta was a small lab as well, but this one seemed especially minuscule, and much smaller than Little O. Granted, I only got to see her briefly, but she does seem quite petite to me… small, but mighty, as I soon discovered.

“Juno, forward.” I said. The first thing I registered was pull. She was actually pulling out into the harness as a guide dog should, and as my retired guide hasn’t done consistently for years. She was also walking at a high speed. I felt a bit like I was on a rocket ship, and it was amazing. She was everything I had asked for and more. She found curbs like a champ, and didn’t stop until she was right on top of them. The clarity was incredibly refreshing. I was both joyful and a little sad to find that after 10 minutes spent with this dog, I felt I could trust her with my safety in a way that I hadn’t been able to trust Oleta for a long, long time… and I didn’t even know her name.

Admitting that makes me feel like a traitor. I feel guilty for the years I spent in willful ignorance of our issues as a team. I think I knew in the latter half of 2014 that our struggles then would eventually result in retirement, but I wasn’t willing to let go just yet. I wanted to make it work, and I think maybe I tried a little too long. By last spring, Oleta was going to extremes to show me that she was ready for retirement, and I wish I hadn’t pushed her to that point. Still, I needed her to stick it out due to the circumstances, and she did as well as she could. Gosh I miss her.

We had a transitions session tonight with all of the retrains to discuss retirement and moving on to accept and bond with a new dog. I am thrilled that tomorrow is dog day, and cannot wait to officially meet my match, but I can’t help thinking of Oleta. She is in my memory constantly, and I do long for her, but, as noted during the transitions session, the bond between guide dog and handler never breaks. It only changes. I have room in my heart for this new dog, and I have to do my best to keep my mind on that purpose and goal during my time here. That said, I almost broke down tonight, and I am sure it will happen sometime… it’s just a matter of when. This is emotional stuff.

Tomorrow is dog day. That means our trainers will meet tomorrow morning to finalize the matches between human and dog, and then we will gather in Alumni Hall to hear the name, gender, breed, and color of each announced in turn. After that we will wait in our rooms to welcome our dogs individually and have some bonding time before lunch and our first harness walks outside. I cannot wait! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!